- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
- It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘east’
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.